JULIE HELTON - Thought Sketches

Preparing For a Epic & Meaningful New Year

1/1/2022

I'm a nostalgic person. Sentimental for moments that happened yesterday, months ago, even seasons ago. Kind words that someone said to me, holding onto a feeling I felt all the way to my bones, memories that haunt me and end up in my dreams thereafter. Always walking around with a little bit of ache of how beautiful, fragile, and fleeting life can be. I'm often looking for the the one thing that I can count on, build my life around. Something that will quiet the waters when they rage. Finding freedom in life ultimately comes with surrendering total trust to God, and inviting him in on guiding my decisions. And then there are trivial things that will surprise me. The happy couple gets divorced. The one you put on a pedestal lets you down. People get sick, people get hurt. Finding the love of your life doesn't solve your problems. People you love the most let you down in inconvenient times. You know the expression, the only way out is through? It's take constant and conscious effort to believe in your heart that uncertainty can lead to an open door. And this year in 2022, that is a change and a constant invitation I want to learn to accept.

Braving Through Life's Storms

9/1/2021

"We are not necessarily doubting that God will do what is best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"
- C.S Lewis

Reminders during difficult times:

You have the ability to determine what you think. At any time, you can refocus your mind to a new topic, task, or problem to solve instead of negative thinking.
Relying on God has to begin all over again every day.
This moment is temporary and you won't always feel this way, feelings whether good or bad are fleeting.
We are not fully in control and that's liberating because it's not all up to you. Trusting God is the gift to allow things to change that you cannot do on your own.
Everyone does the best with what they know and with what they have.
The evidence of God's presence surrounding you isn't based on if you can feel it or not, trust He is there with you, because He says He will never leave you.
You are still loved despite the mistakes you made today.
The best way to forget your worries is to distract yourself with a genuine concern for others.

Listen to the Truest Voice, Not the Loudest

8/1/2021

"Be reminded that you are so much more than your accomplishments."
- Simone Biles

When you're feeling insecure
When you're feeling exhausted
When you're feeling doubt
When you're feeling inadequate
When you're feeling frustrated
When you're hiding your real thoughts
When you're navigating drama
When you're trying to adapt
When you're feeling overlooked
When you're feeling unseen
When you're walking on eggshells
When you're having to earn approval
When you're feeling burnt out
Be reminded that affliction is temporary

I've been thinking about how we only have one life here on earth, and it's but a vapor (James 4:14). If we all have 60-80 years on this earth, why do we let ourselves sit in the muck of fear, shame, or hurt. As we know with the fragility of life, it's fleeting, and why do we spend so much time trying to build up comfort and our own "little kingdoms". Even in the midst of difficulties, conflict, misunderstandings, pain or suffering, we should think about who are the main voices and environments shaping our lives. We all need to grow, mature, be sharpened, challenged, corrected and stretched to change for the better.
Take an inventory of the things you let yourself stew over and be reminded that it takes time to see the purpose in your circumstances. Your personal identity is a powerful force, make sure yours is found in Christ alone.

Optimism with True Heart

7/1/2021

"Faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead of me, God is already there."

- Toby Mac

I recently had a sit down discussion with my Dad. Telling him how I felt drained in a certain area of my life where my best just wasn't acknowledged or enough. He reminded me of a very simple truth, that no thing, job, significant other, title, or any money in the world could ever fill my heart with satisfaction and love the way Jesus does. In a season where I struggle daily with true contentment, I want to let God rule over every part of my world. Even in these moments of inspiration I tend to fill stingers of fear of failure. And we as humans want to succeed. We want to feel like we are a part of the victory. The problem? We are incapable of not failing or meeting standards. So the pursuit of victory actually results in anxiety, fear, worry, and many other things because it's not your job to obtain victory... that's why when you actually convince yourself you've obtained victory, you still long for more. And that's the great equalizer for us all, isn't it? The search for more, the desire for something greater, bigger, and deeper than just ourselves. In a world that says to live for yourself and for your preferences only, it's only through Jesus that we have access to victory. And I know as a performance based individual that its hard to accept because I want to earn what I get, but that's anti-gospel. As an achiever, what I've learned is there's something more satisfying about unapologetically giving Jesus all of the victory rather than trying to obtain it for myself.

Shuffle Mode

6/1/2021

"Believe in yourself and all that you are, knowing there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle."

- Christian D. Larson

I went for a stroll around my neighborhood this morning. It was a walk that I set out on in hopes to clear my mind. I was thinking through stress and worry, body exhaustion, and my energy levels were depleted. I turned on my favorite running playlist and pressed shuffle, imagining the next moments walking alongside the sidewalk stepping perfectly in tune with the words of the songs. Then, without notice, I realized I pressed shuffle when I wasn't feeling a song. I pressed shuffle when I wanted a change. When I was in hopes of something that would plan in tune with my mood.

And then it hit me, Jesus presses the shuffle button for us sometimes. By this I mean God is watching over our every step, the way we tune our lives to things around us. He watches us trip on our own two feet as we work to dance in tune with our own plans. And He sees us working to shuffle our lives to fit the "vibe" we are thriving and striving for; He will kindly with the utmost grace press the shuffle button for us, but on beat with His playlist, His purpose, His good plans. When I first noticed God taking my heart that held MY plans and flipped them upside down to fit His purposes, I was confused. I wanted control over my own playlist back because I thought I believed it was "mine" to begin with. Now with perspective, I thank God for pressing shuffle for me, landing on the perfect melody for a season I never would have kept on dancing to my own beat.

Long before the pandemic, I know I was roaming back and forth on months end, trying to get my heart in tune with life. I wanted singleness to go away. I wanted concrete answers about work. I wanted to resolve conflict in broken relationships. It was as if I was tricking myself, thinking everything would be fine if I just kept my real and raw emotions hidden. Then, one day God showed up with the remote control and he hit shuffle and I began to dance the most gentle and graceful purpose behind my steps. I believe this was not because of my ability to finally catch my fallings, but even better, God guided me to a place where He knew I was meant to be.

Next time you get to feeling unsteady while moving to your own beat, or even trying to catch up to the beat of the music, remember that God intertwines during your chosen song at the most perfect times. Let Him take the reigns. A plan so much more beautiful will unravel right before your eyes. I have come to see this truth in my own life countless times. This is a reminder I have to lean into daily, remember to let Him press shuffle for you.

I Don't Want Out, I Want Through

5/1/2021

"It's so crucial to do the work of unpacking our true motives and the things we carry."

- Jedidiah Jenkins

If I'm honest, there are many moments where I feel incredibly stuck and stagnant. Yet even in this very moment, I'm growing. And I won't grow more by shaming myself for not being as far along as I think I should be. As someone who used to strive for perfection and was afraid to make mistakes, working though perseverance can often feel weary and exhausting in the moment, but I know I CAN get through anything if my eyes are fixed on Jesus. It is through Him and in Him that I can do ALL things. When I make the focus all about me, my strength and what is going on around me, I lose sight of what matters and the reality of eternity. Yet, when I fix our eyes on Jesus, the hope of eternity becomes real and His joy becomes my strength! Next time I feel like quitting and giving up on where God has me right now and the assignment He has placed in front of me, I want to take a look at where my focus is. Is it on temporary things, or eternal things? It's never too late to readjust my focus.

My to-do list:

Keep Taking Action
Keep Taking Chances
Keep Chasing Dreams
Keep Putting Others First
Keep Embracing My Vulnerability
Keep Meeting Problems with My Head High
Keep Identifying the Priorities in my Life
Keep Giving Myself Credit for Ways I've Grown
Keep Taking 100% Responsibility of My Life
Keep Focusing on What I Can Control
Keep Getting Out of My Comfort Zone
Keep Living in the Now
Keep Mixing Up My Routine
Keep Having Hard Conversations
Keep Practicing Self-Disciplines
Keep Being Joyful for Other’s Successes
Keep Expressing Gratitude
Keep Looking For Good in Bad Situations
Keep Giving My Best Yes
Keep Clear on My Values
Keep Praying
Keep Showing Up

The Art Of Surrendering

4/1/2021

"Perhaps at times, the reason why you're feeling left out is because God is calling you out further to a place where other people might not be ready to go. And that can be lonely at times, but only until you realize that when you are with Him, you are never alone, and He will place people on your path when they need to be there."

- Morgan Harper Nichols

I’ve been thinking about the changes this past year has brought with it. How relationships have been affected. Mindsets challenged and emotions stretched thin. It's okay not to know what will happen. After all, the key to finding peace is living with questions that we don’t always have answers to yet. Will the answers ever come? Will the next best thing ever arrive? Does my effort with this person matter? Perhaps, but maybe right now there's a chance to find beauty in the waiting. As human beings, we're wired to crave certainty in the many facets of our lives. Think about how you feel when you ask a question that doesn't have a firm answer. When will covid finally end? Why did this happen? Will I ever be told what I crave to hear? At the root of all this is that we're trying to survive. In this case, I need to revisit the questions that have already been answered or are true today. Questions like: Am I loved? YES! Am I safe right now at this moment? YES! Do I have friends who care about me? YES! Can I endure this because I have faith for better days? YES!

I often reach the end of myself and finally have a point of surrender. I realize I can't do it on my own and believe there has to be a better way. I find myself surrendering by saying, "Not my will, but Yours" offering open hands to the Lord. Slowly but surely I find myself in a spot where life happens, prayers don't get answered, and I have tons of doubt. I find myself in a place of one hand open towards God and one hand closed clinging to the things I can control. I'm stuck here in this middle ground. I find myself overloaded, overwhelmed and begging for God to intervene. We often think of our lives in these seasons, a bucket of good ones and bad ones. The funny thing is we rarely notice whenever one season ends and we approach into another.

Here's the thing I've found: God won't take what I won't let go of. Surrender.... it's not a one time deal. I think God allows difficulty sometimes to show us that there is something that He desperately wants to take from our hands but I just won't give it to Him just yet. God is trustworthy, He has a perfect resume, and I don't have to be afraid. One day, I'll look back and realize that I worried too much about things that don't really matter. Can I be honest? There are days where I really don't want to show up. There are times where it feels easier to hide behind walls to live out in confidence and daily joy. There are moments where I feel like the atmosphere is affecting me more than me shifting the atmosphere around me. Because we have Christ in us, the hope of glory, we get to happen to life rather than life just happening to us.

God is the giver of life. And in this life we have access to unending hope, radical trust, and bold faith. I have the ability to say not today Satan when he tries to get us to shrink back, partner with fear and keep me distracted from trusting God. Living through this global pandemic has caused a lot of changes in my life for both the good in bad: new relationships, new work responsibilities, new financial situations, new family stressors, and much more. I believe with every fiber of my being that this is the best opportunity to be thankful for the beautiful gift of life He has given me. And alongside that, to believe that there is incredible purpose in the season that I'm in. Today, I feel a shift in my heart. I'm extra thankful for a heart that recognized a chance to point to Him. I will continue to pray for eyes that see and ears that hear and a heart that recognizes God showing up. He's always pursing me, all I have to do is be sensitive to His voice.

There's a Peace Far Beyond All Understanding

3/1/2021

“If we never had a single problem, we would never know that God would solve them, we would never know what faith in His word could do. I believe we are to learn things like pain and suffering, as well as thriving, as well as hate, and healing. We cannot have sunny days without rain and storms of life. This is how we grow.”

- Andrae Crocuh

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Recently, I was traveling back home on a flight and was feeling nostalgic. I spent extended time skimming through the photos within my iPhone, I saw faces of the ones I love on both a big and small scale. Sometimes it takes time to see the heart of God in our circumstances. I have experienced so many moments where I thought God was holding out on me, but He was really just holding me in his hand, protecting me from things that were never meant to be. Those experiences also built me back up in an entirely different way. Yes, they set me back for a short time, but they also set me up for something entirely new. Growing through the hardships changed my wiring and changed the way I operated and the way I learned to live and to love.

I remember thinking at different stages in my life, how could I fix it, “the void.” And in a world of constant consumerism, there’s always the next thing to strive for, a never-ending cycle that quietly steals any slice of gratitude or rest in the right now. Striving to achieve that job, earn that promotion, get that boyfriend, attain the perfect body, receive the validation from that one person who will never give it. Frankly, it’s exhausting and continues to be a cyclical sprint of striving, running, and competing for that missing something, and yet... it never quite delivers before you’re on to the next one. Now more than ever, there is a plethora of time to reflect on the circumstances of our lives. The loud voices of the world pressure us to keep running, achieving and performing.

Yet if you stop and listen to God’s word, there’s an assurance of peace we can’t find anywhere else. I love the scripture John 14:27; as Jesus says, “Peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives." Life is far from perfect. It’s a mess and it’s chaotic, and it leaves me restless and worried so much of the time. It’s not everything I imagined it would be. There is sickness. There is pain. There is unknown. But I try to remember how hold ups don’t hold me down. Stumbling blocks don’t block me from good things. Sometimes, if you will get back out there and keep climbing, they will be the very blocks that build you into the most beautiful version of yourself. In hard seasons, I am reminded that it is solely by God’s goodness and grace that we are who we are and that we can do what we do.

Get That Joy Down in Your Heart

2/1/2021

What do you want most in life? It’s easy to come up with quick answers, but when you seriously consider some of your heart’s deepest desires it’s a truly vulnerable moment. Many would say, the answer is simple, to live a happy life. We want to achieve happiness, and although the definition of happiness is different for every one of us, the striking desire stays the same. We live in a culture that shouts, “Do whatever makes you happy, do what feels good, and don’t worry about the consequences as long as you're living your truth…” We do what we can, but we all have our limitations.

Instead, why don’t we ever answer – to live a joyful life? Or to be joyful. Although the terms happiness and joy are both very similar and may fall under the same category, they spark different emotions. Joy is an emotion. It’s a simple and light hearted spark that transcends and radiates within us. Happiness is usually accompanied with an attachment to an idea, a destination or experience. There are many ways to look at happiness and joy and how we can achieve both in our lifetime. I think the words themselves weigh differently and bring an awareness to our consciousness depending on our situations. When it comes to happiness, we sometimes feel trapped in those moments where if we acquire “x” then it will result to “y” happiness.

When I have more money, then I can be happy.
When I get that promotion, then I can be happy.
When I get married, then I can be happy.
When I have kids, then I can be happy.
When I become a homeowner, then I can be happy.
When I get to that goal weight, then I can be happy.
When that one person validates me, then I can be happy.

We’re meant to have multiple purposes in our lives and not just one. We find our purpose by seeking the Lord through our passions and the things that make us feel alive. As we continue to gain experience in our careers, relationships, partnerships, our purpose may begin to change. It may shift towards a completely different direction, but the anchor that keeps us in alignment with our values is the key to understanding what makes us happy. If everything you're searching for remains outside of you, you'll always be chasing. Anchor your life’s purpose in something grounded, sure and true.

So often we think happiness starts with the way we see ourselves and "self-love". But the truth is, it starts with understanding how God sees us. You were called to be different and set apart. There’s a love for you. It’s a love that was given before the beginning of time. It’s a love that sees everything you are and will be. It’s a love that knows your past and covers your future. The next time you’re tempted to believe what culture or people tell you about you, ask yourself if it lines up with what God has already told you about who you are. You are His child. Worthy and unconditionally loved. Ignore the distractions that take time. Make healthy disciplines to make room for what really matters. It’s a lovely thought that some of your most joyful days in your life are ahead of you. Step into it and let life look slower and fuller.

The Foundational Identity of Every Human

1/1/2021

“My simplistic answer to the question “Who am I?” is this:
my truest, purest, non-negotiable identity is the beloved.
And in spite of my checkered past, my fabulous flops, my painful history,
my deepest flaws, my bonehead screwups, and, yes,
even beyond my own beliefs about myself, I am God’s beloved.
This is my foundational identity and the foundational identity of every human being.”

- Mike Foster

I think we can all agree that 2020 was a year of stripping away. The more I’ve processed everything these last couple months, the more I’m realizing there is a launching that's about to happen. If I can put it this way, 2020 is like a slingshot. When you pull back on the string, it creates tension, and a massive amount of discomfort, but only so that when it’s released, a massive propelling can take place. A new year brings promise. Endless possibilities, a fresh start, and a new outlook of the unknown to come before us. I have confidence stepping into this year that it is going to be greater than the last. It’s amazing how God never loses momentum with the plans He has for our lives. No matter how “off course I feel” I can’t miss His perfect plan. The search of life's purpose is one we all embark on. It has many faces and comes in tons of variations. Looking for validation. Wanting to be seen and accepted. Wondering if you could be worthy of love. Those weights of doubt and shame that you’re carrying are not meant for you. We have no idea what each of us are carrying, and so let kindness be our choice for every interaction. We're all healing from something significant within our lives.

It can be easy to feel like you’re the only one doing what you’re doing. That no one else understands the pressure that comes at times or sees what happens behind the scenes. Or how much energy it takes to invest in all the things that are both important to you and pouring into those around you. But the truth is we all have these same thoughts and feelings. Comparing will only leave you feeling more disempowered and speak lies into your mind. Whenever you feel a comparison, begin to celebrate other people’s victories and who they are. Remember that you are not called to the same thing as someone else. So no more fearing the unknowns! None of us will ever be able to predict what 2021 will look like, but what I DO KNOW is that we serve a good Father. Choose to trust in every season, even when you can’t see the end result.

So what’s my responsibility in it all? I believe it’s positioning. I must position myself in a place of surrender and willingness to obey His voice and His word. This year, I know there will be seasons of pressing in, and there will be seasons of receiving the really great and flourishing seasons, even the ones I don’t feel worthy to accept. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. Delighting is a heart posture, it’s not a formula or an exhausting command. I've realized how this means it won’t look like your friends best, or the people you follow on social media, it will be YOUR best. It’ll be the best God ordained for you before the beginning of time, and it will be perfect.

If there’s one piece of advice I could give to my younger self it would be this: Don’t worry about how you’ll get to where God’s called you to be. Be present now, seek Him with all your heart and trust that He’ll take you where you need to go. Most evidently I've seen that in how he's placed special people in my life at the most perfect and opportune moments. I’ve always been a dreamer and go getter, but I’ve also learned that this can be a dangerous thing if Holy Spirits voice isn’t present in those traits. I’ve learned in my walk with God that just because He gives you a promise, doesn’t mean it’s permission to drop everything and run after it kicking down any door that gets in the way of that very thing. So in this new year, don’t despise any day of small beginnings. God often gives us promises in seed form and it’s important to steward it to the best of our ability. He is waiting, watching, admiring, and affirming you every moment of your life.

Hundreds of Problems, Millions of Blessings

12/1/2020

"What you think about will be what you care about. What you care about you will chase. Watch yourself: what do you entertain in your mind?"

- Ben Stuart

These days are hard. They aren’t what we planned, and there’s no end in sight. So how are we supposed to not only live through these days but to live well in the midst of them? Life has a way of testing our anchors and tempting us to drift. Nevertheless, if our anchors are correctly placed they will hold, no matter the force of the wind, the strength of the tide, or the height of the waves. Let’s agree that life is never completely good or completely bad. There will always be some junk, and there will always be some greatness. I will always have something to complain about, and some blessings to count. Inevitably, life is filled with peaks and valleys. Whether I choose to count my blessings or complain about what is lacking in my life, I recognize I cognitively do have a choice. What I want more than anything right now is to be content with who I am, what I have, and where I'm being led. I want to have a mindset of confidence and thankfulness everyday.

If 2020 has taught me anything, it is to hold my hopes and plans loosely because tomorrow rarely goes the way I thought it would. When I take a second to reflect, I notice how I've processed this entire past year in seasons of my emotions. My life tends to imitate the thoughts I entertain most consistently. My focus determines my feelings. I condition my mind to value what I read, watch, study, discuss, and daydream. What absorbs my interests shapes how I think. Whatever holds my attention molds my intention. What I contemplate, I internalize. What I internalize, I emotionalize. The more frequently I think about something, the tighter the grip it exerts on me, the decisions I make, and the actions I take. Whatever I idolize shapes my character. The thoughts I think most often reproduce in my mind. And what I feel will be what I focus on. And yet, I set the agenda and define my own standards. What are the beliefs, thoughts and opinions I’m allowing to take real estate inside my mind? The realizations, planning and hundreds of decisions I make each and every day result from the thoughts and feelings I prioritize.

In this season, the solution is gratefulness. I’m just grateful. Life looks nothing like I dreamed. I’m becoming someone I never imagined. And it’s all so much better that way. Life’s challenging, but God... when you really look at Him and sit with Him, He just makes the list of challenges so small... and somehow mysteriously beautiful. Simple is not what to strive for. It's the fully human, sometimes messy, whole heart dive in that God wants for us. Intimacy grows through history. When God speaks a promise, our job is to believe it, then put it back into His hands knowing that He is in control. In the meantime, we get to surrender daily and pursue Him passionately, regardless of how close we feel to the promise! This year, what I've lost in simplicity I've gained in depth. I am grateful for that truth, for today, and for a tough year that will always remind me of what matters. Here are lessons I've leaned into:

ONE. God's grace and endless pursuit of me, it's freely given and the greatest thing I'll ever have.

TWO. Health and wellbeing, something you don’t think about, until you have to.

THREE. The financial luxury to travel the world and physical ability to move your body.

FOUR. Unconditional love, specifically, I have arguably the world's greatest Dad.

FIVE. Finding music that moves me is a pretty incredible feeling.

SIX. Being able to experience a full range of emotions, it's truly part the human experience.

SEVEN. Loved ones who know me to the core, and they show up for me.

EIGHT. Family, we have our ups and downs, but they really are my foundation.

NINE. Friends, the ones who speak into my life and fully know me to the very core.

TEN. Love, it's completely magical and amazing - isn't it?

ELEVEN. Words, they are literally my life line. They add meaning to anything and everything.

TWELVE. Accountability, the inner circle of people who love you enough to tell you the hard stuff.

THIRTEEN. Change, it scares me sometimes, but it can be a wonderful thing.

FOURTEEN. Art, it moves my soul, there’s nothing greater than gazing upon something beautiful.

FIFTEEN. A good book, there's never a time when I'm not thankful for the words of another.

SIXTEEN. Hope, sometimes it's hard to find, but it's always there, waiting to lift me up.

SEVENTEEN. Thoughtful hand written cards, this gesture goes a long way with me!

EIGHTEEN. Challenges, they are difficult at the time but always stretch me to be better.

NINETEEN. Waking up today. That thing beating inside of your chest, the heartbeat - it's called purpose.

TWENTY. Being content in the moment while believing for the more.

You Were Made For Significance, Not Just Survival

11/1/2020

"Mourning does not simply become dancing. It must be planted in the soil of hope and good counsel, watered with the tears of uncurbed grief and then harvested by the choice to move my feet again."

- Justin McRoberts

sig·nif·i·cance
the quality of being worthy of attention; importance.
the meaning to be found in words or events.

I think the root of significance starts with hope, and hope is pretty contagious. We’re all searching for a hope that won’t disappoint us. Every day, we attach our security and our sense of rest to something. But the problem is my job won’t ever make me feel fully content. My possessions can't satisfy my heart. Being at my top shape in physical health won’t give me inner peace. Even my closest friends and family can’t give me meaning and ultimate purpose. Financial security can make my life a whole lot easier but can’t make for a perfect life. Locations can bring fun and exciting changes but can’t define me. Achievements can be satisfying in a moment or season, but can’t sustain forever. In my most honest moment, my heart desperately craves more. More meaning, more purpose, just more.

Sturdy hope doesn’t vanish with the constant changes in situations, locations and relationships that make up life. I really believe that much of life involves grabbing a hold of hope and not letting go. My life is filled with problems just waiting to be solved. And my experiences, both good and bad, shape me or scar me. I don’t believe all problems are solvable but I do believe it’s easy to give up too early. It’s so easy to shut down my heart and ignore the rumblings inside. Life is hard and life will break. It is insane what the human heart must endure sometimes. I know I carry things that are heavy and I hold onto hurts from my past. I carry the weight of broken relationships, fears, rejections, and I strap toxic beliefs about myself to my back. I resolve to experience a greater calm in my day and enjoy my beautiful friends, relationships and opportunities that surround me.

I strive to live a life full of purpose and significance. Using hope as my motivation to get me started, faith to sustain me, and my ambitions to inspire me along the way. I fully believe that we were created to thrive and not just survive. But then there are days where I feel like my head is barely above the water. The more I think about it, the more I realize that to thrive doesn’t mean you have to constantly be making strides forward. Sometimes thriving looks like simply being steadfast in the chaos. Trusting is thriving. Having faith as small as a mustard seed is thriving. Being vulnerable in a hard season is fruitful and thriving. I can’t measure my success in life with where I think I need to be in comparison to the destination I’ve created in my mind. I have to measure it by how deeply surrendered I am to Jesus in my day to day and by how much I’m letting Him love me right where I am. And because I have Him, I have every reason to be thriving in life. No matter what the story of my life looks like, all things can be made new. Welcome every lesson, even the really tough ones, and use it all for good.

Uncharted Waters

10/1/2020

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”

- David G. Allen

This unique season has been one of complete surrender and refinement. Letting go of all of my preconceived ideas of what I want my life to look like and pressing into an upcoming season of pure uncertainty. I have found myself here before, but always clinging tight to a little piece of something I’m not ready to let go of. One day, I’m going to look back and know that it was in these times where I had no plan for myself how His plan was always perfect. I know God is waiting on me to go all in. To lay down what I hold dearest and surrender the deepest parts of my heart with complete trust, complete dependency on Him. It’s purifying and at times gut-wrenching. I feel Him extracting my impurities and illuminating my flaws and faults. Experiencing hardships is one of my greatest opportunities to share my faith.

This year, I went on a dream vacation to Peru with my best friend. I appreciated hikes and the outdoors significantly more than I ever have before. I experienced camping for the first time. I saw fireflies on an old back road. I spent undivided quality time with my family. I found complete peace in nature and walking trails. I shot a gun. I refined my creative skill sets. I read multiple books and streamed hundreds of podcasts. I learned some software coding. I shared a beautiful sunset, by a lighthouse, out on the water. I laid in a hammock out on the lake and felt pure contentment. I tutored four little ones who made a huge impression on my heart. I hiked to the very top of a mountain top. I perused around museums. I kayaked my heart out. I attended a tea party.

I grew in my friendships because I had the discretionary time to invest in others around me. I opened up. I had uncontrollable belly laughs. I had nights crying myself to sleep. I had perfect, unforgettable and adventure-filled weekends. I had hurdles, setbacks and disappointments. I had career decisions made on my behalf. I had a reboot in my career. I felt the big feels, and I felt blunt rejections that stung quite bad. I’ve had moments of absolute clarity, and I’ve had days filled with disbelief and doubt. It’s a telling time, full of transition into unknown territory and uncharted waters.

Life is a constant loop of coming out of a problem and getting ready to go into another one. 2020 has thrown curveballs and landed many of us in places we never planned for. This year has not been what any of us expected but I am hopeful and optimistic for the future and what these uncertain times will teach me. I wholeheartedly believe the delays, detours and all the in-betweens serve a purpose. I won’t allow this season to wear me down and diminish me. Find your center again, reach for joy, hone your strengths, claim your faith, remind yourself of constants, and have the courage to move forward. Here are lessons I’ve learned throughout covid:

There’s nothing wrong with being in a state of joy and grief simultaneously.
Sometimes the greatest risks can become the greatest rewards.
I can only fix the things I take the time to understand.
Recognizing how I love spending time with people who have a joyful sense of adventure and hopeful anticipation. The importance of surrounding myself around people who feel like pure magic. There’s a lot of incredible people in the world to meet.
To love everybody, always.
I cannot place my happiness, worth or identity in my work life. When I realized my value didn’t come from what I do, what I have, but rather who I am, everything changes.
The joy I feel has little to do with the circumstances of my life and everything to do with the focus of my life.
Life and health is a gift and so incredibly fragile.
He did not find someone better than me. He found someone better for him, right now, than me. As will I, with time.
Words have tremendous power. They might be the most powerful thing any of us really have. A few right words have the power to sustain me.
There is beauty in the anticipation of waiting.
Not one person on this earth has done too much or gone too far for God's redemptive love to rewrite their story. At the end of the day, we’re all broken and in need of a Savior.
My thoughts transform my reality in major ways.
To do more difficult things, comfortable people don’t grow.
Adventure starts where my own plans end.
To find the lesson and let it go, how I choose to react to anything will be the eventual outcome.
To get after my ambitions, I need to move away from much of the comfort I’ve worked so hard to create.

Don't Quit Your Daydream

9/1/2020

"You’re not falling apart. You’re falling into something different.
It feels like the end but really it’s a new beginning in disguise."

- Mike Foster

What does it mean to be a dreamer? I think it means to get really quiet and realize there’s something hopeful, daring and thrilling inside of you. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a lot of personal dreams. A purposeful vision for my life. As for the timing of it all, I have no earthly clue. One of the hardest parts of dreaming big is finding the courage to set absurd expectations in the first place. There have been many seasons when there were a catalyst of changes I knew I should make: routines I should start, opportunities I should pursue, or relationships I could have dealt with in a different way. There’s an authenticity that hardships can refine in my life, if I let it.

I know, I know. Failure is very painful. I’ve been there too many times, small little rejections all throughout life that leave you beat up and bruised. There’s something about failure that does such a number on me that it’s nearly impossible to see the forest through the trees when I’m going through it. When I’m in the midst of the difficulty, I could care less about how it’s going to supposedly improve my life in the long term. But it does. It’s easy to quit the fight when you feel like things aren’t playing out fast or soon enough, which can lead to burn out and discouragement. But all of my failures have served me rather than hindered me and I grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. With failure and pain, comes understanding and growth. I begin to take notice of what I think, say, and do because my dreams are so important to me that I realize what I do on a daily basis matters to my overall trajectory in life.

At times, I’ve lived comfortably and complacent to a fault. I lived in doubt of who I was and undermined my strengths. I hid behind weaknesses as an excuse not to and downplayed wins by saying it wasn’t a big deal. In some ways, I carefully managed risk so I could only succeed. Some looked at my life and thought I was laser focused at moments, but deep down I knew I frequently had a plan B before I started anything. I was calculated and would stretch myself with challenges, but only just enough. Even now, I go through seasons where I have to remind myself not to tightly manage outcomes and control everything. Living this way, helps me realize how I am capable, and everything changes, I become alive to life.

Recently, I completed an exercise to visually lay out my desires and dreams. I began with starting an honest list, who am I? This was on a blank piece of paper, and I wrote down everything that came to my mind first. Knowing these answers, pen to paper, gave me a point to launch forward. Then I started a second list, who am I becoming? The tough part was seeing gaps between my two lists, the bridge between who I want to be and who I know I can be. When I sort through all the words told to myself, and when I discard what isn’t true or doesn’t matter anymore, I find the clarity I need to choose my desires worth pursuing.

In the beginning, my dreams will always feel immense and I’ll wonder how I'm ever going to successfully achieve them. I often overthink about the enormity of tasks ahead of me, but I want to rewire my thinking. With time, little by little, I know I’ll eventually have small wins. And, eventually, those wins start to stack up one by one. Here is one thing I’m sure of, the next version of myself is going to be one who will pursue ambitions all the previous versions of me were unable to accomplish. It’s crucial to pinpoint dreams that are tucked inside of you. There is beauty in the daydreaming process. For now, all I know is I can actively choose:

My effort
My mindset
My devotions
How many risks I take
My level of preparation
The ways I channel self-doubt
How my circumstances define me
What to do with my racing thoughts
How I structure the schedule of my day
What I do with my dreams, intentions and fears
How I champion, encourage and build up others
How I outwardly express my emotions
My playmates and my playground
What commands my attention
Who I give my heart away to
Where my identity is found
Who and what I chase
How I spend my time
The art I create
Joy

Winning the Battle of Your Mind

8/2/2020

“And when each of us looks back at all the turns and folds God has allowed in our lives, I don't think it looks like a series of folded-overs. I think we'll conclude in the end that maybe we're all a little like human origami and the more creases we have, the better.”

-Bob Goff, Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World

Late at night, honesty will often find me. I’ll reminisce on moments in my life that have made me feel exceptional. After daydreaming, the sting of reality hits. Relationships feel increasingly unsafe. Opportunities seem sparse and unavailable, and life seems hard on top of an already tough season. Pain comes in many forms and is universal. I notice rejections from my past are affecting me more than I realized. I wonder why it hurts so much when others say or do things that make me feel not enough, or when I set my heart on an expectation that fell through. I don’t want to take it personally, but I find myself off for the rest of the day and I can’t shake the disappointment lingering in my heart. Sometimes there is a misalignment embedded in our souls, the disconnect between our heart and head. If you’re anything like me, locating hurts from your past and replaying significant memories in your mind takes every ounce of energy from you.

But then, I remind myself that my thoughts must be informed by truth and cannot run rampant. It really matters where you let your thoughts go to dwell. When you’re discouraged, what do you do to bounce back? How do you keep your eyes above the waves when everything wrong is crashing around you? Any time I have an emotion, it reflects the intersection of something I care about, desire, or a belief I have. The beliefs we have should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart. How you handle present day rejections, whether big or small, say a lot about you. Our feelings indicate where our hearts are at in the moment, but they don't have the right to dictate our behavior. We're so much more than the sum of our feelings and our minds will feast on what it focuses on. Negative voices cannot and will not be the only voice I hear.

God sometimes allows us to find ourselves in a place where we want something so bad, we can't even see past it. Sometimes we want this person, thing or dream so bad that we can't even see God because of it. When we want something it's easy to mistake what we truly need for the thing we really want. As I age, I hope it’s said of me that I can embrace the obscurity of life and continue to better trust the One who holds tomorrow. The future is unknown, life can be difficult, and there will always be strings of suffering and grief threaded throughout our lives. Today is the day to get your feet back on the ground and do one of the hardest things there is to do, surrender. Lay down the need to understand why certain things happen. Lay down fears of others walking away and taking their love with them. Lay down the desire to prove worth and people please.

The things we struggle and work for become the things that produce a fruitful heart within ourselves. We don't have to sprint to the finish line of success, rather we should embrace the valleys and mountaintops of life with the same pace and endurance. It's easy to go about our days, basking in the comfort of words that say, "I'm fine" but be completely numb to real problems. Capturing our thoughts requires the self-awareness to know, right away, when we're heading down a dangerous path. For me, one of the hardest battles I fight is with my mind. It has become a daily goal to win against myself in my struggles, all I have to do is choose to fight.

When Your Heart Speeds Up and the World Slows Down

7/26/2020

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes, the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."

- Vicki Harrison

Hard times have a way of illuminating the people in your life. At times, there are impossible emotions to sift through as we process our sufferings and the various stages of heartache. We all have a little bit of grief that we could let go. Difficult seasons allow us to logically evaluate those who add stock into our lives. I’m grateful for special people who come into your life and flip your worldview upside down. When merely in their company, your heart speeds up and the whole world slows down. I think the reason love is such a beautiful thing is because it is a lot like beauty itself. It's that unspeakable connection to certain people for unexplained reasons. Love is abstract, heightens our emotions, and is inside us all to feel it, share it, and let it fill our lives. What a gift it is to experience it in whole, or even in variances.

And yet, there is something so crucial I still sometimes misunderstand. Love is not static. And love is so much more than just a rush of feelings. I've learned, giving with strings of secret expectations attached is the greatest invitation to heartbreak. Feelings of love come and go just like feelings of happiness or pain. Unconditional love does not waver and is the decision to serve one another with no limits, to stay - sacrifice and commitment. Fight for unconditional love and don't settle for anything less. I believe the breakthrough is in your personal response of which love you choose to accept and extend. Show me someone who knows what love is, and I'll show you someone who is going to change the world.